Unencumbered: An Everyday Radical in Springtime

We learn from our gardens to deal with the most urgent question of the time: How much is enough?  
~ Wendell Berry  


Well...
It's been a long while since I've written anything here, the simple reason being that I haven't had anything new to say, really.  It was a long, strange winter, both in terms of the weather, which to my mind seemed to be a case of five months of November, to my own life, which also seemed to be taking on the visage of  having become long and strange as well.   In many ways, I've been remarkably inert--the last year has been among the laziest of my life in terms of noticeable productivity.  I seemed to need a period of near hibernation, to quite literally spend time without getting anything out of it that I could point to as an accomplishment.  I was, in gardening terms, lying fallow, but as is true of even the most depleted soil, something is always growing and seeds left behind from the previous season will often root and grow nonetheless but the result is more often feeble rather than vigorous.   If, however, one is willing to double dig the beds, add plenty of rich compost to allow the soil to renew itself, it will once again become receptive to planting and healthy growth come springtime.  And so it was with me this last year spent almost entirely in doing the hard and patient work of answering the question, for myself, "how much is enough?"


The winter was one for paring down, not only in my physical environment as I continued the process of lightening my load, so to speak, by getting rid of many years of accumulated "stuff", primarily lodged in the basement and garage.  My husband and I have tussled for years about our different views about keeping "things" which have no immediate or current use and one of the major changes, for us, has been a renewed interest in living a more grounded, simple life free of  "cumber" which is an old Quaker term that means, generally, anything that complicates or obscures what is essential to one's life and sense of peace.  The word "cumbersome" then comes readily to mind and there is nothing more cumbersome, in my view, than having one's home and life filled to the brim with possessions, activities, people and situations that are draining energy away from what one wants most out of one's life and relationships.  Now, I've know this for many years--I've written about it here and elsewhere long ere this--but it took me until a year ago to realize that my attempts to scale down, to remove unwanted and unhealthy elements from my life in all areas had been too piecemeal and timid--I was afraid, I suppose, to really take the axe to the root of the problem and cut if down whole but that's finally what happened and over the last year, I've had to say many a final farewell not only to books, clothing and memories but to people, situations and habits, ways of being, that had become the worst kinds of "cumber" in my life and it was hard, and painful and sometimes, the temptation to rescue something or someone from the curbside while the trash pickup truck rapidly approached was very tempting but, in the end, I prevailed!


My life has become simple, less complicated, less cumbersome.  I took a long personal inventory of my strengths and weaknesses, my flaws and failings, my gifts and talents.  I made some clear decisions about what, at the high water mark of mid life, could still be developed as a lifework, and a way of being in the world and I settled on a simple, uncluttered but creative life, working as a writer while living as a householder, rooted and centered at home, in my local community.  I decided that I wanted the maximum space and time available to live in a very relaxed fashion, and without the pressures and tensions of too much or too many of anything.  I wanted to put my energy into learning or improving the kinds of life skills and crafts I came to value in my youth and young adult years living as a "homesteader" in northern Michigan that had been set aside in favor of working as a Midwife and in the always extremely busy years of having babies, raising, and "unschooling" young children.  I have created a life with ample time for what matters most to me, largely by completely letting go of what doesn't matter, or no longer nourishes me or the life I want to live.   I have spent considerable time cultivating and cherishing both my oldest friendships, and some newer relationships that have, from their earliest moments, felt like family and both now given a fuller sense of potential and possibility by having the room, the inner and outer space, to grow into sturdy, healthy and life giving soul connections.  Our home is more open and available to others, with an "open house dinner" happening here every Wednesday evening, and more visits from out-of-town friends throughout the year.  Our three oldest children are now largely out and about and on their own and so our youngest daughter, at age almost 11, is now the only child home all day, and this has meant changes and growth in my relationship with her--as an "unschooling" parent, it's been delightful to finally have more time and energy to take her on trips, and see her grow into a voracious reader, very impressed herself with now reading "three hours every day!" happily reported to anyone in conversation with her, and watching her make friends of all ages and life circumstances, growing from being a little girl into a lovely young woman.   


I have continued my work as a Spiritual Director/Mentor and my hopes for the future include the transformation of our home into a small, functional "Retreat" space for individuals who want some time set apart to enter a place of quiet reflection, nourishment and rest for body, mind and spirit, with the presence and attention of a skilled listener and responder to reflect with them about their life and to help them hear their own deepest truth speaking to the from the silence of their souls.  I have found that it was through this process of transformation in my own life and home that I became the spiritual mentor and companion I had felt a leading to be some years ago--my education and training in response to that leading were appropriate and necessary accompaniments but the real discernment and confirmation came through this long, dark process of relinquishment--the letting go of the cumber that was obscuring the deeper life within me.   


So, Springtime...
I arrived at a place of peace, finally.  The winter of darkness and doubt gave way, after all, to new growth and seeds deeply rooted and nourished by the Light that is always present within us.  I found my life buried within the old and given new energy, freedom and breathing room by paring away the nonessentials; my life is now, unencumbered... 


Deeply rooted integration arrives only through the process of knowing what is enough for me, and that, simply put, is all centered on our home, Wild Peace Urban Farm, a work in progress to be sure, but an increasingly productive source of life, hope, shelter, music, literature, good food and friendships and all my efforts are now directed towards growing this life, this place, into all that it can be for my own good, and for the healing and hope of my "Beloved Community". 


So, as my life and ideas have evolved and changed, so the writing here will also deepen and expand to reflect these changes and the goals that have arisen from them; I have much to learn, explore and share with you, my patient friends, and I do hope that you'll continue to read here and see what comes next. 

Everyday Peacemaking ~ What Are Your Terms For Peace?

THE PEACE OF WILD THINGS

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

~ Wendell Berry

The Winter Holidays are upon us, and as I finally return to my small writing cubby here, renewed for the task of sharing ideas, visions, hopes and dreams for a better world with my loyal (and patient) readers, I am aware that this is a difficult time of year for many people; our culture embraces an ideal of happy family gatherings overladen with abundant food and good cheer but the reality for many is very different, and not at all in keeping with the advertised claims of "Home for the Holidays" and a "Holly Jolly Christmas".  For many people, ongoing conflicts with partners, family and friends generate a very potent and vexing emotional dissonance;  a painful sense of disappointment and anxiety that often escalates and sometimes, explodes, during the carefully cultivated family gatherings designed to celebrate familial and community love and connection.  Our holidays are too often burdened with high expectations of felt closeness and shared warmth and the disappointment when conflict erupts is often deeply painful; people suffer more depression and anxiety during the "Holiday Season" than at any other time of year.  Perhaps, then, spending some time thinking and meditating on the source of conflict in combination with bringing our expectations into line with reality a bit, with an eye towards creating, and celebrating, peace, is as good a way as any to spend some of the time in the weeks ahead of our gathered celebrations.
I've spent many years studying and practicing what I call "Everyday Peacemaking" or "Peacemaking 101"-- developing both an interior spiritual practice centered in nonviolence and intentionality about peacemaking, and a direct process for dealing with the inevitable conflicts that arise in every relationship.  I offer the process I've used to good effect as a gift to my community of readers, to those who've continued to follow my writing here, sending me emails and notes of encouragement to carry on and with gratitude and a hope and belief that peace is possible, I offer my basic "Peace Primer" in the hopes that it will help you to resolve conflicts with others, and make a more peaceful holiday season seem a bit more possible.

Everyday Peacemaking and Conflict Resolution:

Conflict, supported by a firm commitment to nonviolence and handled well, is an opportunity for growth, greater closeness and intimacy with another person.   Every time you are able to resolve a conflict with someone, you learn something that will help you understand yourself and others better and the daily practice of the skills of peacemaking are a concrete and visible way to do what Gandhi suggested and "Be the change you want to see in the world."

Try to see the conflict as a problem for you to solve with the other person, not as something that requires a winner and a loser; view the conflict with an open curiosity that allows you to probe and ask questions of it, to stay present and available for what it wants to teach you.  Stay focused on the issues, and not on your views and opinions about the person.  Instead of focusing on who is right or wrong, ask the other person what she feels she needs.  Tell her what you need and ask her if she can see a way for both of you to get what you want  in this situation.  If she is angry, ask "How can I be made right with you?"or"What are your terms for peace?"  Aim for a "win-win" solution in which both parties get what they want, or enough of what they want to be able to support the agreement.  This requires a willingness to compromise and a lot of creativity; there are often more possibilities available than those that immediately present themselves; stay present and available for what might come up! When you have reached an agreement both can support, make sure you follow through and do what you said you would do; there is no quicker or surer path to further conflict than failing to keep agreements made in good faith with another person.

It is possible to express your feelings and point of view strongly and assertively without being unkind or mean-spirited. Tell the other person how you feel without projecting your own ideas about what they're feeling or thinking--state your own feelings or ideas clearly and allow the other person to do the same ie " I believe...." or "When you said this, I felt..." is far more effective, and respectful, than saying "You think I'm crazy..." or  "I know that you did this just to make me angry!" which are deeply disrespectful assertions that generate defensiveness and shut down dialogue, closing the door on open communication. Each person gets to define themselves and their views while the other listens and responds attentively to what is actually said, and not to your own storyline about what you think they said, or meant.   Avoid blaming and accusation, further projections of judgment that don't further the peace process.  Name-calling, threats, ultimatums and the like only escalate the conflict.  Anyone can fight.  It takes no intelligence or special skill to insult, blast, strike or belittle another person.  Character, courage, patience and intelligence are required to deal with conflict in nonviolent ways and make no mistake--attacking someone verbally, or threatening them in any way, whether physically, emotionally or spiritually, is a form of violence. 

Remember that everyone has feelings and a point of view; give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  Assume that an attitude of good will exists between you.   Believe that they want to work this out with you as much as you do with them.   Sincerely acknowledge the other person's feelings so that they know you are paying attention and that you care about how they feel.  A lot of anger can be diffused by validating the other persons' feelings and position and the other person will be more interested in what you have to say if you respond with something like "I can see that this is really important to you" or "I hear that you feel very strongly about this".  Avoid interrupting to disagree; don't cut the other person off.  If you feel you've missed a point, or if emotions seem to be escalating and confusion is seeping into the dialogue, take a deep, centering breath and ask for a ten minute break. Spend that time breathing calmly and reviewing the conversation so far, perhaps checking in with your own emotional responses and seeing if other questions or concerns are forming for you. When you return to the conversation, offer a quick review, as you understand it, of the other persons main points and concerns.   If you are unsure whether you have understood the other persons' position, try paraphrasing it back to them ie.  "Am I hearing you say......?".  Keep doing this until you both agree on what is actually being said. 

Stay connected to the relationship you have with the person you are in conflict with.  Some of our relationships with people will be more inherently conflict-prone than others--estranged spouses/life partners, parents and teenage children, in laws and extended family--remember that this person is important in your life, for whatever reason, and there is a relationship or connection that is worth preserving, even within the midst of long term difficulties, estrangement or separation. In the case of parents who are no longer living together as a couple, it is crucial that the practice of daily peacemaking and conflict resolution be modeled to children; not only will it make the journey of co-parenting children easier for the parents, but the children will have the security and peace of seeing their parents working together in healthy and life-giving ways, even if the family structure is changing, or has changed. 

During all conversations, then,  periodically look at that person with unconditional regard, love and respect and remember why you are in relationship with this person, what the relationship is,  and what your genuine hopes are for it.    Remember that you won't be angry forever; you will calm down and feel more in tune with this person again IF you stay in the moment and with the conflict until you can find that common ground; it's almost always there if you both keep walking around with each other and testing the dirt under your feet!   Again, this applies to any connection between people, in any circumstance.  While it's easier to see the value in this particular step when it's between a committed couple, say, or parents and children, or friends; it also works well with co workers or people in church or other intentional communities where there are bonds of affection and shared purpose.

If you don't seem to be getting anywhere with resolving the conflict, ask the other person if they would be willing to ask a third party to intervene and help sort things out.  Try to find someone who is a good listener, who will help both parties come to a peaceful resolution as opposed to taking sides.  The person you choose need not be a "professional" but should have a commitment to nonviolent conflict resolution, the basic peacemaking skills outlined here and the ability to remain detached from the conflict such that they can hear and respond to each person, defuse moments of intense emotion, knowing then, when to call for a break in the action, some centered breathing and help with reframing and rephrasing what is said so that understanding is enhanced, and the goal of peaceful resolution of issues kept at the forefront of the conversation.  Most people have someone in their lives who is viewed as a wise, stable, peaceful and skilled communicator and facilitator who can fill this role.  If not, there are professional peacemakers out there in the form of mediation services, dispute resolution consultants and some therapists and counselors who are skilled in peacemaking and can work with you towards your goals.

Once a basic agreement has been reached, and the two people (or sides) have made a preliminary peace, we move on to forgiveness and restoration; a separate and necessary process involving the following three elements:

1)  Recognizing that an injustice has occurred:  We acknowledge that someone has been directly, and personally harmed by something we have done to them;  intentionally or not.  

2) Restoring equity in the relationship:  Equity is restored as the one who has caused harm makes restitution, or an amend, to the injured party.  In response, the one who was harmed extends grace and forgiveness to the person who harmed them.  Only the people involved in the offense can decide how much grace, and how much restitution will be required to restore equity.  The two people, or sides, will have to work this out, sometimes with the help of an intermediary ( as above ) but, in many circumstances, if the earlier steps to resolving the conflict have been worked through successfully; an easy restoration to relationship and community will be made.  This step must happen in person, one to one, whenever possible.

3) Clarifying future intentions:  This means that the one who has caused harm explains in specific terms what she will do to ensure that she will not cause similar harm in the future.  Only those involved can make this determination and both will know when they have reached a point of satisfaction with this agreement.

Once people who have become alienated from one another complete these steps and agree that they have successfully accomplished their resolution, and if they are able to keep their agreements with oneanother, they will learn, in time, to trust one another again.

I have found, throughout my life, that applying these basic principles has helped me, most of the time, to work through the relationship difficulties I've encountered in all the places in my life where I find people--in short, everywhere!  I am, as we all are, imperfect and sometimes hopelessly flawed and have had many a failure even when I've carefully applied these steps to the best of my ability. The integrity of it is found in having made the effort and through embracing sufficient humility to accept our part in something, to do our best to make things right and in gracefully letting go when our best just won't get the job done that day.  Sometimes, we have to try, and try again, but, most people, like us, really do want to be loved, cared for and affirmed; sometimes, we just have to be very patient, with ourselves and others.  Conflict resolution done right is not a quick fix!

But are there situations where these steps won't work?  Well, yes.  Nothing is perfect.  There are particular issues which will prove almost insurmountable obstacles to resolving a conflict and, when they present themselves, and it has been determined that one, or more, exists and can't be remedied, there is nothing to do but acknowledge the inability to work towards a peaceful solution, forgive yourself, and the other person, for that inability, and move on.  The following is  a list I found through the Episcopal Peace Fellowship some years ago that I would attach to the ideas already outlined, and they've proven to be pretty reliable indicators of a genuine point of departure where further effort is likely to be ineffective:

When there is insufficient tolerance of differences between people or groups, or they do not trust each other.

When there is unhealthy fear of authority figures.

When they do not sufficiently understand one another's position.

When disagreements are viewed as disloyalty, disrespect, or personal rejection.

When people give up too quickly; deciding that there is no use in communicating further, often because they are in some kind of emotional or psychic pain, or feel threatened in some way.

When people are judgemental ie. when they make judgments about the other person's motives, character, or sincerity.

Presuming the other is unintelligent, incompetent, or in some other way, easily dismissed or invalidated.

Dishonesty; withholding relevant information, lying, triangulation (involving third parties in an attempt to gain support for, or avoid taking responsibility for, one's own issues. This creates an enormous burden for those who become the "third corner" of the triangle.  More anger, disruption and distortion usually follow)  and other forms of refusing accountability or of being unwilling to explore the issues honestly and openly.

 So these are the basics!  I hope that this outline feels helpful to you; I would love to hear your feedback and suggestions from your own experiences, successful and failed,  of peacemaking.  I wish all of you the joy and blessings of the season and peace in our time in the New Year.
~ Dona Nobis Pacem
     

Writing A Path From The Center by "Living the Questions"

"...have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answers. "

~ Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903, in "Letters to a Young Poet"

We are all familiar with this quote from the poet, Rilke, from a collection of letters he wrote to a young friend of his, an aspiring poet, who had gotten it into his head that he had to know what he was about in life, know what he was doing and who he was, before anything of value could be accomplished with his writing. Rilke was a loner, a social misfit and a wanderer; he found it difficult to stay in one place, to hold a job, to maintain a home, or a relationship. He lacked the ability to read social cues and had minimal tolerance for interpersonal machinations, yet his observations and insight on the human condition are precise, clear and evoke a sense of intense focus and devotion--he could read people and society, and his intellectual prowess made it imperative that he set his soul-readings to poetry. He offered, through his writing, a path from the Center of his being towards that of the reader and within the context of his art, crafted a profound "word medicine" that could heal people, give them guidance and shine light on the next step of their journey. It is a mistake to conclude that Rilke, who today probably would have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, or placed somewhere on the ubiquitous "Autism Spectrum" lacked the capacity for intimacy when his poetry goes straight to the interior of the heart in ways that can only be accessed by intimacy. Rilke's long familiarity with solitude and silence conferred upon him a deep wisdom about the nature and needs of the human person; his self-awareness, consciousness and intimacy with his own interior world enabled him to write poetry stunning in its ability to speak to our various conditions and to offer healing and peace, but not by providing answers to our questions; he encourages us, instead, to "love the questions themselves" and to wait patiently for our lives to speak. We have to write a path from the Center of our lives if we are to find our answers.

The internet and social networking culture seduces us with the idea that information and answers are synonymous. It further persuades us that asking questions, seeking answers, can be accomplished in whole, or at least in very large part, this afternoon...at the latest.

So many people spend hours and hours of precious, unrepeatable time scouring forums and polling their online friends for answers to the difficulties of life and those who spend the most time doing this seem to be the most unhappy and desperate in their desire for someone else to tell them what to do...how to be...where to go for more...answers. Our culture enables and encourages this kind of anxiety-provoking and superficial social discourse because planting seeds of doubt, fear and anxiety creates a market. People who are afraid that their lives won't hold up under the scrutiny of others, are easy prey to be marketed to in all kinds of ways. Those who live, not from their own Center, but through the eyes of others, become victims of their own projection that somewhere, someone "out there" has the answers to questions that can only be found "in here". Happy, satisfied people who are willing to live out the questions of their lives by seeing, in the quotidian mysteries, our daily life and work, that the answers unfold organically, in their own way, fail the "market test" every time.

When I first began writing here, I was in the midst of transition--I had lost two of my children in the previous 7 years and had another born with a serious disability. I was leaving my childbearing years, being then in my late 40's, had three teenage and young adult children going through their own growing pains, and I was leaving a way of working and being in the world that had defined and informed my life for many years. I was responding to a deep calling, a leading towards a very different life that was, at the same time, beckoning to me like a homecoming; I was being called inward and towards more depth and focus. I was intensely craving solitude, silence and contemplative action in the world, through my writing and new work involving sacred listening to others, giving them the space to tell their own stories and find their own path within the 'true self' that was intended for every person. And yes, dear Rilke, some answers have come through living out those questions but they can, of course, only be partial answers...I am still living, and loving, the questions. As another favorite writer, Isak Dineson, once said, "God made the world round so that we could not see too far down the road" in this, she echoes and reinforces Rilke--we can only live the questions, embrace them, love them, and with humility accept and live with the partial answers as they present themselves.

And now I am 51. My life has sorted itself out and I am living, imperfectly of course, the quiet, simple and creative life I had been trying to give an affirmative answer to for several years. I have lovingly let go of many people in my life over this time, knowing that I was simply not able, or no longer willing, to give them the time and energy they needed from me. I embraced fully a simple truth given me long ago by a very wise woman friend and mentor--"Compassion is mandatory, personal involvement isn't"-- I finally accepted the truth that being loving isn't measured by how willing I am to allow others personal dramas to invade my life and disturb my peace. I cannot give to others with the kind of spacious love I need to offer when I am being drained by relationships with people whose lives are chaotic and who are living out what Psychologist Carl Jung called "Shadow" in unconscious ways. These patterns are not always easy to see when they are taking up space in your life, but one of the many gifts of embracing solitude, quiet and simplicity is that those people and situations that are noisy and disruptive to our peace become very apparent indeed. I've cultivated some new friendships, blending them with deepened and rejuvenated long-term relationships into a community of loving, "learning partners" who are supportive, authentic, genuine and life-giving. I, like Rilke, am a solitary social misfit who prefers quiet and the "Peace of Wild Things" as in the poem by Farmer and Writer, Wendell Berry. I have more of myself to offer to the world; more love to give, more work to do, and a great and driving energy to do my part to leave a legacy of healing and wholeness behind when I take my leave of this world.

So, my writing going forward will not offer you any answers...but I will accompany you on the road of living the questions. My intention now is to "write a path from the Center" of my own life as I respond to the challenges and questions presented by a complex world mired in painful dilemmas and difficulties. I have also come to know other thinkers and writers who are my kin; those I've come to recognize as members of my extended "Tribe" and and as my soulmates and fellow sojourners and I will be introducing you to many of them.

Love and live the questions themselves. Pay attention to the "quotidian mysteries" of your own life. Trust and have faith that the answers will come and know that there will always be enough light shown to illuminate the next step. "God made the world round, so that we could not see too far down the road."

~ Peace and Courage.

Michelle

A Free Range Family ~ "...To Pay Attention, this is our endless and proper work." Mary Oliver

Yes!No!

by Mary Oliver

How necessary it is to have opinions! I think the spotted trout

lilies are satisfied, standing a few inches above the earth.

I think serenity is not something you just find in the world,

like a plum tree, holding up its white petals.

The violets, along the river, are opening their blue faces, like

small, dark, lanterns.

The green mosses, being so many, are as good as brawny.

How important it is to walk along, not in haste but slowly,

looking at everything and calling out

Yes!No!

The swan, for all his pomp, his robes of glass and petals, wants

only to be allowed to live on the nameless pond. The catbrier

is without fault. The water thrushes, down among the sloppy

rocks, are going crazy with happiness. Imagination is better

than a sharp instrument. To pay attention, this is our endless

and proper work.

Long before I ever got serious about having children, I made the decision not to send them to school. I had never heard of "Homeschooling" at the time; I was truly surprised, delightedly so, when I discovered, in the mid-1980's, that there were other people around who were also keeping their kids out of institutions, having a decided preference to hand-rear their own young and I recall being rather amused that doing so had become a rarity. Between day-care and school, most parents' seemed destined to hardly ever see their kids and given all that I knew about what went into pregnancy and childbirth, it seemed like an awful lot of investment just to turn it over to someone else but I admit, at this late date, that my viewpoint was simple, and quite honestly, narrow. It was, in some ways, selfish; it was most certainly motivated by a set of false beliefs about the nature of parenting, and of children. I wanted to be with my kids and I didn't want to have to allot any of the responsibility for "how they turned out" to anyone else. I had a construct about parenting that I now understand to have been woefully inadequate but almost universal in its application: I believed that I would have an influence on my children that, if done right, would ensure that they would turn out to be remarkable and brilliant individuals. They would escape any of the family dysfunction I had inherited. There would be no risk of serious problems as long as I birthed at home, breastfed them for several years, kept a family bed and homeschooled/unschooled them. I believed this because I bought into most of the lies of the parenting literature available at the time; the same stuff is available now with different titles, but the storyline is as misleading as it ever was. The pernicious untruth at the core of it is that our children are "products"...of our parenting. Of their environment. Of the school system. Of the peer group. They are a product of everything that goes into them and all that happens around them and like any product, you get what you pay for! No one will tell you the deeper truth which is that there are hidden variables inherent to the individual soul of every child, every person, that might have more to do with manifesting a destiny than we can ever know and we interfere with those potentialities at their, and our, peril. We cling, as parents, to the illusion of control and that illusion, as any parent of teenagers will tell you, shrinks to a very thin veneer as time goes on. In any case, I went into my parenting believing all of this tommyrot and I was prepared, from conception to birth and on into their childhoods, to pay the price. Any price. Because the parallel track that runs alongside the idea that we can control how are kids turn out is that how they turn out means something about us, as people, as parents. All of that is just peachy so long as the kids "turn out" well. Everyone knows, everyone believes, that there is nothing worse or more shameful than having kids that don't "turn out". Kids aren't like pie crust; you can't just crimp a little around the edges where the cracks are and fill in the gaps with a little extra dough and no one will be the wiser. Everyone knows when your kids go bad. Everyone. Knows.

The fly in the ointment in this whole proposition turned out to be me. Me and my relentless questioning, probing and curiosity. When I embark on a new endeavor, I rarely, if ever, settle for what "everyone else says"; I never follow the pack, even within the communities with whom I am closely aligned. Why? Because I am a bit of a rebel, and a radical, believing in drawing to, and from, the essence of things, distilling everything into what is most important. I have always lived a "free range" life and at nearly 50 years old, I don't expect that to change ( I hope no one was holding their breath ) and I have no complaints about having done so. More central to the question, though, is the fact that I am trusting of other people, including children. It takes an awful lot for me to lose trust, or faith, in someone; I can count on one hand the number of times it has happened. I trust people. I believe in them. I believe that other people, including kids, are perfectly capable of knowing themselves and of learning and growing and changing and struggling and falling down and getting up again. I trust them to do all those things and so, when I had kids, I just decided to ignore all the books and advice, even all the stuff I learned from "alternative" and "crunchy" sources and live my life with my kids the way I wanted to. I wasn't going to send them to school. I believed then, and I believe now, in the "curriculum of family life" as Educator John Taylor Gatto calls it and I came to believe in a related idea ,offered up here by Writer, Farmer and Teacher, Wendell Berry from his book 'The Art of the Commonplace':

"I know that I am in dangerous territory, and so I had better be plain: what I have to say about marriage and household I mean to apply to men as much as to women. I do not believe that there is anything better to do than to make one's marriage and household, whether one is a man or a woman. I do not believe that "employment outside the home" is as valuable or satisfying as employment at home, for either men or women. It is clear to me from my experience as a teacher, for example, that children need an ordinary daily association with both parents. They need to see their parents at work; they need, at first, to play at the work they see their parents doing, and then they need to work with their parents. It does not matter so much this working together should be what is called "quality time," but it matters a great deal that the work done should have the dignity of economic value."

So, I came to believe that what children needed most was to be at home and out in the world supported by parents who were doing real work that mattered to them and that contributed to the needs and values of the household and larger community. I wanted my children alongside me while I worked with the "quotidian mysteries" at hand and I wanted them to learn the discipline and rewards of work for its' own sake, and to absorb the values of both parents not by being actively taught but by a kind of loving osmosis. We did not teach our children anything; we allowed them to learn through daily interaction with us, and with other loving and interested adults and children wherever we happened upon them; they learned by living real lives in community with others. We have been an active family, involved in many areas including a very liberal, urban Episcopal parish committed to social justice work and we have been, and continue to be, active volunteers for causes we believe in. Our whole family has volunteered yearly at a homeless shelter, and at the Gleaners food bank. For many years, my oldest two children were weekly volunteers at a local Nature Center. We have lived in the same diverse "inner ring" neighborhood for more than 20 years; our kids have grown up in the same old house they were born into and we have avoided making changes in "place" because we value stability and wanted our kids to have real roots in a community and a commitment to a sense of home.

We don't "start" homeschool every Fall. We don't "end" it in the late Spring or early Summer. We are always learning and growing. We are always reading, writing, working with numbers, planting something, watching changes in the seasons, traveling, spending time with our large extended "Tribe". We make art and music and we watch films and cable news. We all read the New York Times every day and we talk about what's going on in the world. Our kids have never been kept out of "adult" conversations and they've had the freedom to explore the neighborhood and our small downtown where they know, and are known by, every shopkeeper, coffeehouse college kid, baker and candlestick maker around. We've gone to the Farmer's Market every Saturday morning for over a decade, rarely missing the opportunity to chat with Peter, our favorite farmer, and with Jan, the antique lady, and all the other vendors, friends and neighbors we almost always run into while we're there.

If there is one thing I hoped to pass on to them it is the discipline of paying attention. I wanted to model, and encourage, the idea that paying close attention to what is happening at any given moment facilitates learning and growth. If I wanted my kids to learn how to behave appropriately in all situations, I had to first get their attention; I had to show them, by doing it myself, how to pay attention when someone else is talking and how to respond respectfully. I had to listen to them, and to other people, to show them how important it is to listen, and to attend to others. I had to help them stick with the projects they chose to do, even when bored, even when the project wasn't going well, so that they would know that it's important to pay attention to detail and to ignore impulsive actions based on the "feelings of the moment". I couldn't "teach" them these things, I had to show them in my own life and behavior. And showing them how to pay attention, and ensuring that they understood that this was key to everything else, and is the "endless and proper work" of parenting, and of living.

I trust myself and I trust my kids. When we are trusting and trusted, learning is unimpeded. We are able to stay out of our kids way and let them travel their own path to the "true self" or, even better, never lose it to begin with. Living a 'Free Range' life requires self-discipline and a commitment to building relationships of integrity and wholeness. I'm going to return to this topic of a "Free Range" life with children a couple more times and I hope my exploration of all the implications of making a choice for freedom will come into better focus for everyone, including me, for even as we live something out, being able to detach, from time to time, and reflect on what we're doing and why keeps everything balanced beneath our own "north star". Until next time then.

Peace and Courage ~

Michelle

Living Wild Peace

"...I am a frayed and nibbled survivor in a fallen world, and I am getting along. I am aging and eaten and have done my share of eating too. I am not washed and beautiful, in control of a shining world in which everything fits, but instead am wondering awed about on a splintered wreck I've come to care for, whose gnawed trees breathe a delicate air, whose bloodied and scarred creatures are my dearest companions, and whose beauty bats and shines not in its imperfections but overwhelmingly in spite of them..." Annie Dillard

I spent most of my life on a search for peace--peace of mind, of heart, of purpose, of beauty, of love. Peace of everything. I created my idea of peace in my own image. I thought peace would be...peaceful. Quiet. Serene. Sweet. A shimmering little whisper of a thing that would barely intrude on my consciousness yet, would embrace everything that I am, or ever hoped to be, and I understood it to be something that one acquired by living peacefully and by doing peaceful things like meditating, yoga, prayer, good deeds. Well... I was wrong.

It turns out that peace is a wild thing...just like me. A nixie ( a mythical feminine spirit of sacred waters ). A wood sprite. A bandit. A little criminal. Peace is Wild.

Peace comes when the struggle for living authentically is fully engaged and passionately lived out. It comes when loving people becomes an expression of genuine intimacy and engagement and when the risk of loving is not measured against how safe and protected I need to be in relationship. Peace comes when we embrace the idea of justice and fully understand that there is no interior peace that can exclude the same for anyone else. Peace comes on little cat feet at the precise moment when we are convinced it has abandoned us altogether. Peace comes when we are living from, as Quaker mystic Thomas Kelly puts it, "that balanced, recreating Center which is our true home." It turns out that Peace lived wild is what makes us fully and completely human...at long last.

I started this blog three years ago and it truly seems like a lifetime gone by. I was struggling in a place of harsh resistence; not wanting to make a necessary trust fall into a life that was changing whether I wanted it to or not. It was through making the decision to step off the edge and take my humpty-dumpty fall that cracked open my fear-hardened heart and allowed me to see a way to live the rest of my life integrated and whole with the wild girl, the little criminal, fully loved, embraced and redeemed. I decided to live wild and to accept the peace, and the responsibility, that comes with it. I decided to opt for reality and the gifts of the present moment--graying hair, diminished eyesight, slower running, fewer but dearer relationships, focused work and a completely restored sense of creativity and energy that has, as a boundary, the understanding that I can't do everything but I can do what I am able to do with my whole heart.

"...I am a frayed and nibbled survivor in a fallen world, and I am getting along..." Being "frayed and nibbled" has a beauty to it that I could never have imagined, or desired, and with all of it has come not only that long coveted peace--all wild and spinny--but real joy. I'm having a grand time!

~ Til next time then,

Michelle

Time Out.....

Hello everyone! As you've no doubt gathered, I'm having some trouble finding the time to finish my blog posts. I am back in classes and internship duties full time and, of course, have a family to tend to and my writing here and elsewhere has taken a bit of a hit for it. I will be completing the posts' I've begun drafting sometime soon but I'm not sure when. In the meantime, I'll leave up what is here and perhaps do some poetry, or short pieces again just to stay warmed up! I hope everyone is enjoying the beautiful Autumn we've had this year ( at least in the midwest ) as I have. I can't believe how the time has flown since summer; I am aghast at the realization that Advent, and the "Christmas Season" starts in just over two weeks. How is that possible? But there it is.

So, as our old friend Garrison Keillor says "Be well. Do good work. And keep in touch."

Michelle

Escaping from the Ghetto of Like-Minded People!~ Trust Yourself

Dear Readers: I know that some of you were expecting a different post here; I have written a piece on what I call "Commonsense Parenting" and it probably has some good stuff in it but I'm also really struggling with offering up anything that seems to feed the beast of what writer and publisher Eric Utne calls "the ghetto of like-minded people" and that has led me to this post, first and foremost and then we'll see about the other one; maybe we don't need it.

On the last page of the current issue of the "Utne Reader", there is a listing of things that Utne hopes will manifest over the next 25 years. Among them I read this:

"Americans will put the brakes on the growing tendency to "amuse ourselves to death" with constant electronic entertainment (laptops, TV, video games, iPhones, etc.) Instead, we'll grow increasingly interested in the Other--people who are truly different from ourselves, not just those on the opposite side of the globe but the people living next door and across the street as well. We'll use social networking not to find people who are like us ( creating what I call ghettos of like-minded people), but to find people who are unlike us. And we'll invest the time getting to know them until we realize how similar and connected we are after all."

Reading this quote really brought me up short because, of course, I share these sentiments and I also feel increasingly skeptical and, frankly, bored with the prevalence of 'groupthink' in society and organizations. It can't be lost on too many people that we are a very polarized nation, so much so, that I recently heard CNN commentator David Gergen remark that he had become seriously concerned that "this country has become ungovernable." Now, if any of you know who David Gergen is, you know that this is not a guy prone to throwing out the dramatic one-liner--he's a very serious chap with impecable credentials and a quiet affect one could almost call flat. I was quite stunned by his comment and it has led to several weeks of thinking about the way we, as a country, have divided ourselves up into ever smaller, narrower cohort groups that increasingly seem to demand not just conformity but unanimity; it becomes very, very hard to disagree without being censured by the group, or dismissed altogether. Even within Churches, there is a line drawn between those parishes or congregations that are deemed "liberal" and those thought to be "conservative" and I don't recall ever hearing that kind of demarcation in a religious setting as a child or young adult; it's a very recent phenomenon.

I think that Eric Utne rightly terms these groupings of like-minded people "ghettos" because they become places where there is little creativity or energy beyond promoting the ethos of the group, or protecting it from "outside" attack. A large part of my work in the area of "Commonsense Birth and Parenting" is committed to encouraging women and parents to avoid online "communities" and forums devoted to very narrow issues that seem to attract devotees' who require strict adherence to a particular parenting idea or ideal, to the point where any deviation from the path to "perfect parenting" is ridiculed or criticized, often very cruelly, and people are NOT encouraged to think for themselves although there is always this interesting little codicil called "making your own choices" but it assumes a quite strict and limited hierarchy of possible choices with those falling outside the groups' norms viewed as "not choices" or, if chosen, made in abject ignorance ie. those who don't believe or do things a certain way "just don't get it" and the group is "better off not absorbing their negativity". Never mind that there are often good ideas to be found outside our limited internal palette of operating instructions and many, if not most of those, will come to us as a natural part of becoming real flesh and blood friends with someone. It comes of asking the neighbor for her thoughts, or a woman at Church, or in the grocery store or at work. It comes of being open to real people and to the continuity and trust that arises out of having to take them in fully, as whole persons, not as faceless, nameless "ideas" coming through a computer screen that can be taken in as emotional, intellectual or spiritual fast food, leaving the undigestible portions to be dumped into the "trash" with the touch of the keyboard.

Online forums and communities are often intolerant, biased, over-focused on a single aspect of concern or interest and offers up a lot of very, very questionable "data" and information as incontrovertible truth. They are the antithesis of independent thought while claiming to be places of "freedom" and "choice". They aren't. They're ghettos. They are places that shut down real dialogue and lead many, many young women and parents into a kind of frozen despair not to mention addiction to electronic communication which is becoming a very real and pernicious danger for a lot of people. Spending hours on a computer, roaming around the ether looking for a 'fix' of "advice" or "wisdom" or the "answer" when someone has a house with children in it and those children are being left to their own devices except to be screamed at when they interrupt mom or dad while they indulge their "addiction" is unhealthy to the core. It doesn't have to be porn addiction to be dangerous and degrading. Being addicted to approval, being addicted to the attention that comes from having an "online" personality that becomes popular or even controversial, can take a person down the path of addiction and with the same end result as every other addiction! There are people who become depressed or anxious when they aren't getting 'fed' by the computer, when someone isn't responding to their posts or comments. If you feel a little "empty" without a computer-generated "fix" take notice and put the whole thing on 'pause' until you figure out what the emptiness is really about, and what you really need to fill it; I can promise you that it isn't going to be filled here on the computer.

I don't want to be anyone's "answer" to life's problems. I don't want anyone to think of me as having their answer, at any rate. Your answers about how to live out your pregnancy, birth and raise your kids or anything else that's important to you is found only within your own heart and mind. You can read all the books and scan the computer looking for something that resonates with you but at the end of the day, you have to get back to the real work of living, loving and being with real people; your own family. Your mate. Your kids. The computer provides an easy escape from the stress while allowing us to believe we're doing something productive ie. we're "looking things up" or "researching our choices" or "getting information". What we're doing, most of the time, is just sitting there, staring at a flat screen and typing because we are afraid to live our real lives because something in them isn't working. Maybe the marriage isn't really working, or perhaps the choices you are making about raising your children aren't really true and good for you. Home schooling can often become a trap for parents', especially for mothers, if they are doing it out of some idea that "really good, really cool parents" home school. Or you use a particular home school curriculum because your friends do. Maybe you need to put your kids in school. Or, if they're in school, maybe you need to take them out. The point is, you won't find those answers online. You'll more than likely only find more confusion, or you'll find a group to do your thinking for you and then wonder why you are so depressed and feel as though you've 'sold out' to someone else's ideas.

I'll end here with what I will call a little "admonition": I'll continue to post things here for as long as anyone wants to read them but I won't write "advice" articles. You don't need my advice. You don't need my "wisdom". You have your own. I'll write about what I've done and how I've lived it out but that isn't meant to be prescriptive, and shouldn't be taken as anything but my writing about my life. If you do anything at all with my writing, my ideas, let it be in the area of leading you inward. I hope that every post will contain some word of encouragement to "go deeper" into your own inner knowing, your own lived reality. As Educator Parker Palmer says, "Let Your Life Speak" and don't live inside the "ghetto" of the like-minded. Ask the questions that move beyond labels and ideologies to where people really live. Get out there into the world and let go of needing to find people who "think like you do". It's the people who don't think like you do who stretch your boundaries and inspire your growth. A little bit of agreement with others gives us a temporary security; offers a cup of warm comfort on a hard day, but too much shuts us down and limits us into living very unchallenged lives. Remember the old Socratic dictum ~ "The unexamined life is not worth living". That means challenging your beliefs and asking questions from all sides, not just that which feeds your ego and do realize that ego is what is involved if you find yourself making decisions not on the best interests of your children and family,but on what allows you to "feel" a certain way about yourself as a parent and even more so if part of that 'feeling' involves feeling that you are, or will be, "better" than other parents. Be careful! You're heading down a slippery slope.

If you love and enjoy your children, you are a good parent. If you love and enjoy your own life and ideas, then relax and get on with it. Don't let this machine keep you from the hard work of sorting out life's mysteries and predicaments. A computer is a tool to be used wisely, but it's a very seductive tool that can start using you.

Now, shut me off, turn off the computer, stand and stretch, and go outside!

Michelle.